Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot

You heard it hear first (unless, of course, you didn’t): Estelle (Sophia Petrillo) Getty has pictured Sicily for the last time. If you were anything like me, you had an elderly babysitter named Shirley who fed you fish sticks and got you hooked at a young age on America’s favorite show about retirees in Miami, the genius of which you would never fully understand until later in life. Even if you weren’t, I’m guessing you have watched at least enough of “The Golden Girls” to know that Estelle Getty leaves behind a legacy of comedic brilliance that is nothing short of epic. I will not comment on the details of her life because I don’t know them, and I’m lazy. I will, however, say that her work on the “The Golden Girls” was and continues to be some of the finest damn comedic acting you'll ever see. Not to mention the fact that her feature film Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, costarring Sly Stallone, has one of my favorite movie titles of all time. Never saw it, and I hear it didn’t do so well at the box office, but I always loved the title. So, Estelle, pussycat, I just wanted to pay you the tribute you deserve. Since I can’t actually do that, I’m just going to say on behalf of all of my readers, anyone who can play alongside the likes of legend Bea Arthur and hold her own has earned his stripes in my book. We salute you.

On a different note, I read the comments under my first posting, and Jane’s reminded me of something that I previously failed to mention. When you feel like yelling and it just doesn’t make sense to say, “You suck Coco Crisp,” another favorite go-to of mine is, “That guy’s got hands like tits.” As if the evening of game 7 of the ALCS in 2003 didn’t provide me with enough joy to last a lifetime, I actually got to hear someone say that. And mean it. There was a foul ball, a botched catch, and a guy nearby who could think of no better way to sum up the events that had just transpired than to scream out, “Hey, that guy’s got hands like tits!” Best simile ever. Honestly, I don’t really know what it means, but I’m pretty sure it’s amazing. Seriously. Stop for a second and imagine what that would look like. Let’s take it a step further and picture a whole team of such players and what kind of impact that would have on the sport. Would the Gold Glove Award be dubbed the Gold Tit Award? I think we kind of have to love the guy who not only had the creativity to come up with the comparison that would allow us these kinds of daydreams but also the lack of self-awareness to stop himself before sharing it with the group. So if you want to holler, and “You suck Coco Crisp” just doesn’t fit the bill, try that one on for size.

I am sure that there are probably a few of you who are under the incorrect assumption that it will actually end up being appropriate less often to say that someone has “hands like tits” than it will be to tell Coco Crisp that he sucks. Well, you’re all wrong, and I’m going to tell you why. First of all, anyone, anywhere can have hands like tits. It’s a comment with universal appeal. There’s only one Coco Crisp and a finite number of Red Sox fans. (Small miracles.) It’s inherently limiting, and I already stole the name for the blog. Second, it basically never makes sense to say someone has hands like tits. Therefore, you should say it often and indiscriminately because you’ll never have to worry about whether or not you are saying it in the right context. Every context is equally wrong, thereby making every context equally right. I’m no mathematician, but that sounds just about dead on to me. If you disagree with my logic, I will say what I’ve said before and will probably say again, read another blog.

Mike Mussina sure was bringing sexy back yesterday. Eight scoreless innings against the Twins. He’s now 13-6 with the Yanks 3.5 out of first. Is there a chowda head amongst my readers who cares to comment? I think it’s pretty safe to say that since the All-Star break, the Bombers don’t suck. With a three-run homer in the sixth to secure the Mets a victory against the Phils, neither does Jose Reyes. Wanna know who still does?