Saturday, August 2, 2008

Dr. Farvil

OK. When I’m wrong, I’m wrong, and I’m a big enough person to admit it. Despite what I said the other day, it looks like Brett Farv may not be a mind numbing idiot after all. An attention hungry, self-obsessed, money grubbing media whore? Yes. But a mind numbing idiot? Looking improbable.

I know. The name. It seemed like such solid evidence. The only explanation that I can come up with is that he intentionally mispronounces his name as a decoy because he would have us BELIEVE that he is a mind numbing idiot. He doesn’t want us to know the truth because it would interfere with his plan to take over the world, and the truth is that he’s an evil genius.

Let’s review the facts. The man retires, cries actual tears at a press conference about it, unretires, gets huffy with the Packers for their unwillingness to offer him anything other than a backup role on the team, requests to be released from his contract so he can play for the Vikings and suddenly is getting offered $20 million by the Packers over ten years to do…nothing? Oh, I’m sorry. To work in “marketing.” Sounds like the masterminding of someone not idiotic to me.

How do we know that he is really an evil mastermind and not just supremely lucky? (Which he obviously is also.) Easy. This was all supposedly about how much he wanted to play football. How much he wanted back in the game. Not the sport—the game. I’m pretty sure that the opportunity to stay in the sport was available to him from the moment he announced his retirement. If he was the idiot we originally thought he was, and he just happened to be lucky enough to get offered $20 million to do nothing for the next ten years, it’s an offer he would not be considering. He wouldn’t be considering it because, despite the fact that in this scenario he would be an idiot, he would also be sincere in his desire to get back in the game and, therefore, unwilling to settle for a buyout. However, he seemed pretty quick to hop on the make lots of money doing nothing train, saying in a text message to ESPN that it just might be the best solution. This leaves us with only one other option. Evil genius plotting to take over the world. He’s probably planning on using a "laser" to hold the world ransom for…ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

As if the facts alone weren’t enough, I sort of think that the relaying of information over text message nails this one shut. I’m sorry, but a text message? It displays such a blase, Manny Ramirez, “I just happen to be here” attitude that it can only serve as evidence of the fact that it’s all just lining up for Farv exactly how he’d planned it. He would have called but he was too busy drinking Moet on his yacht or twirling his mustache or counting his money or doing whatever evil masterminds do. While we’re on the subject, a text message, ESPN? Aren’t you supposed to be—oh, I don’t know—a credible news source? I mean, really. What exactly did this text say? “Hey, it's Farv. Marketing deal sounds gr8”? And I hate to sound suspicious, but how do we even know that this alleged text was from Farv? Maybe I’ll try an experiment. Maybe I’ll sent a text of my own to ESPN, one that reads, “Hey. Brett Favre over here. Just wanted to let you know that I have come to terms with the fact that my last name is crazy. From now on, you should commence to either spell my name 'Farv' or pronounce it 'Fav-ruh.' Whichever you prefer. I know you can’t see me because this is a text, but I’m crying. Actual tears.”

Oh, and by the way, interestingly enough, want to know who doesn’t want to talk about Brett Farv? That’s right—John McCain. Some maverick he’s turning out to be. Ready to take on global terror but afraid to comment on the man who may turn out to be Kim Jong-il’s successor in the axis of evil. I don’t know if I should take this as a reflection on McCain’s true grit or some inside information he has on just how brilliant and scary Brett Farv truly is. All I know is that—a presidential candidate who refuses to comment on the retirings and unretirings of a former/maybe not former NFL star?—it’s just cowardly.

I am afraid I have angered the Korean Mafia. I revoke my previous assertion that Manny, or hatred thereof, might be > than friends. I stand behind the Dodgers as my number one NL West pick for the postseason, with or without Ramirez, with the understanding that I cannot cheer for them if they are playing the Mets. For the record, and this is an issue on which I’m afraid I simply cannot budge, Joe Torre, now, and until the end of time, is > than friends. Let’s hope he never goes to the Giants.

Last night—so close, but MO far away. What can I say? Mobody’s perfect.

What an exciting debut for Jason Bay. He sure did do his Chowdas proud. It would be adorable if anybody cared. Add him to the list of people I don’t like. I’m not feeling these standings. They are moving in the wrong direction.

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