Friday, November 21, 2008

You Know Kay. Kay Hates Geeks.

Well, it’s official. Moose is stepping off the mound and tractoring off into the sunset, which, of course, begs the question: Can tractor be used as a verb?

But it also begs another question: Why so secretive Moose? I mean, you’ve know since last January and you didn’t think to tell us? What gives?

In response to that one, Moose has offered his sincerest apologies and said by way of explanation that he had kept his plan so hush hush because he didn’t want his retirement to become the focal point of the season.

(Fav-ruh, if you’re reading, I’m sure you’ve become confused and disoriented because Moose is speaking in a language that you aren’t familiar with. So, let me take a moment to translate for you. Whoops—can’t. I seem to have misplaced my English-to-Jackass Dictionary.)

Moose, a solid pitcher to the end, will retire with a 270-153 record and a 3.68 ERA over eighteen seasons. Having just completed his first 20-win season, he also retires on top of his game. Sure, he could have gone another few years and probably retired with 300, but Moose is putting his money where his mouth is. He has always said that, above all, he values spending time with his family. Well, he’s giving up millions of dollars and the opportunity to climb even higher up the all-time win and strike out lists so he can do just that. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; at the end of the day, he’d rather be at home.

When asked if he had had any second thoughts at all throughout the season, he commented, "I don't think there was ever a point where I looked around and said, 'You know what, I'm going to change my mind. It was like the last year of high school. You know it's going to end and you enjoy the ride."

So, basically, what he’s saying is that Fav-ruh is like a super duper senior.

On yesterday’s Michael Kay Show, there was some discussion as to whether or not Mike Mussina was a Hall of Fame pitcher. On the one hand, he’s an exceptionally consistent 270-win pitcher with 2,816 strikeouts and seven Gold Gloves. On the other hand, no Cy Young, no World Series ring, only one 20-win season and a high-ish ERA by Cooperstown standards.

After a lot of back and forth, Kay commented that it was such a source of lively discussion amongst so many people in the sports world that it make for a great topic for a school debate team.He then went on to say, “I wasn’t on the debate team. I wasn’t smart enough. I also wasn’t a big enough geek.”

I’m going to go with… A) You weren’t smart enough. Or was that not multiple choice?

Well, Kay, that you weren’t smart enough to join the debate team is no surprise to anyone who has ever heard you open your mouth. But if I needed further confirmation, you gave it to me in the form of your allusion to the age old idea that to be smart is to be a geek. Something you only suggest when you’re a fictional character in a teen movie from the 80’s or you’re an idiot.

Really, dude. Aren’t you like five thousand years old? Do you seriously still believe that intelligence is synonymous with geekiness. It’s lame to think that when you’re in high school, but like pathetic and depressing to think that when your old timey.

Tell me, Kay, if you had a Kay Jr. and he came home and said, “Hey, Pop, I decided that I want to expand my mind, learn about new subjects, and improve my public speaking skills by joining the debate team,” would you tell him to forget it? That that stuff's for geeks? That he should find something cooler to do with his time, like run around harassing athletes? Or would you just tell him to become captain of his college Chess Club like you did—because that’s so much more cutting edge?

Seriously, Kay, you make the part of me that likes to rebel against the existence of stupidity want to find a debate club to join. Just because.

Here’s a thought. Maybe, if you weren’t so opposed to not being dumb because you were afraid that it would make you uncool, you would be in a position to help ESPN Radio confront the unfortunate reality that is its imbecilic slogan: “You know us. We know sports.”

What is that? Like, free association?

It’s sort of like if I said, “I have dog. My dog eats food.” Or, “When it’s cold I wear a jacket. My jacket has pockets.” I am inclined to believe that the people at ESPN share a marketing team with the people at the Cubs. I know the stench of that slogan. It smells like “It’s Gonna Happen.”

In other news, it looks like my blog may have found a new home at I am not sure of the details of where you can find me or when you can find me there, but be assured that I will keep you posted. This move should be happening in the near-ish but not immediate future, so be advised and check in for updates. And if you want to help me stay afloat, visit me often. You can think of it as one of those charity sites where you click on the page to feed a homeless animal. Though, if you only have time to do one or the other on any given day, I guess go with the homeless animals. I think there might be a special place in hell reserved for me if I advised you to do otherwise.

In closing, the last song I heard last night on the radio and the first song I heard this morning was Beyonce’s “Put a Ring On It.” And, well, it made me think of someone special. Since I’m too lazy to call into the station, I am putting a link to the video up on my blog, and I’d like to dedicate it to Albert Pujols. Well, really Ryan Howard. Because it sort of reminds me of that thing Pujols said to Howard a couple of years back.

By the way, I am doing you all a favor because this video will blow your mind and change your life and make you fall in love with Beyonce all over again. That bitch can dance. And to quote someone who knows what she’s talking about, “I think it’s good if you can sing, but I think it’s better if you can dance.”

(Thank you, Jane, for bringing this video into our lives.)

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