Wednesday, October 8, 2008

It's All Farv And Games Until...

I have been known, on occasion, to give Fav-ruh something of a hard time. Because, well, he sucks. But, perhaps, I am being unfair. I am so narrowly focused on all that is sucky about Farv (just for a refresher: the spelling/pronunciation of his name, the crying, the unretiring, the destruction of my allegiance to the Jets) that I sometimes fail to see the good in him. For example, I was scouring for an interesting story, and nothing really grabbed my attention. There was no baseball yesterday. Nor is there any today. Last weekend’s football games are already old news. I suppose I could talk about how McCarver dissed Manny in a recent interview. But whose side to take? Both of them are just so damn winsome. So I did what I often do when I’m at a loss. I googled Farvil to see what he was up to. As usual, it’s something awesome. Truth be told, he really never let’s me down.

So, on behalf of all (one) of us at "You Suck Coco Crisp," my apologies to Fav-ruh for failing to acknowledge the fact that you are truly the gift that keeps on giving.

The latest is that Fav-ruh is still chipping away at the hearts and minds of his fellow Jets. How? With a little bit of good old-fashioned Southern charm. At least I think that’s what you would call it. I don’t totally understand Southerners, but I figure that maybe, in the South, it’s charming for a football player to leave a dead animal inside a fellow teammate’s locker. I mean, I know they’re into killing things down there.

And, yes, that’s exactly what happened. A player for the Jets, universally presumed to be Brett Fav-ruh—America’s un-favorite unretired quarterback—bagged what appeared to be a dead wild turkey, which he is believed to have killed himself, and stuck it inside the locker of teammate Eric Barton.

Like I said, Southern charm.

Farvie is known for loving a practical joke. The idea is that it pulls the team together. Call me crazy, but I don’t know if I would feel particularly endeared to one of my teammates if he had left that bag of blood and guts in my locker. I think I might feel a little bit more like I should sleep with one eye open. I mean, hasn’t Fav-ruh ever heard of the old whipped cream in the underwear locker room gag? Or a whoopee cushion? The real shame is that Barton’s birthday was on the 29th of September. Oh, but that Farv had just sat in Barton’s cake ala Sparky Lyle. I guess only few prank players are so truly gifted.

Of course, as an animal lover, vegetarian, and general believer that it is wrong to be wasteful, I can’t help but take offense at the nature of this prank. I don’t think hunting is all that cute, but at the very least most people who indulge in the “sport”—as they insist on calling it—actually eat what they kill. Rather than using it as part of a tasteless locker room joke and eventually throwing it away. If you believe in eating meat, that’s fine. I don’t. But I also subscribe to the philosophy that one should live and let live, so I won’t sweat you about it. However, I do believe unequivocally that it is wrong to kill a living thing for absolutely no reason. (Oh, I’m sorry. Not no reason. To build team camaraderie.) I think it’s something that you only do if you have no soul and are a sociopath.

Not that any of this should come as a surprise. As already established on this site, Fav-ruh meets the text book definition of a sociopath.

Barton, who claims to have been amused by the prank, responded by saying, “I hope that the animal rights activists find out about it, whoever did it, that cruel person.” Barton may have been joking, but I would be surprised if the animal activists didn’t find out about it. The people at PETA, at least, have it in for Fav-ruh, who they seem to find about as amusing as a pig roast.

You see, it seems I was not the only one who was irked when, a few months ago, Fav-ruh so courageously decided to come out of retirement. Apparently, people from PETA staged a protest at Lambeau field. According to a PETA spokesperson, "Mr. Favre’s continued retiring and un-retiring is an affront to the rights of animals all across the world.” He went on to say, “We also have evidence that the depression caused by constant Favre coverage has resulted in American’s eating much, much more… almost all of it in meat products. We have to stop this – if not for the protection of animals, then for the protection of our sanity.” Hmm…Now, I love PETA probably more than the next person, but, seriously, what in the crapelbon is this guy talking about?

He did say one thing in his argument, however, that made sense: “In addition to that, it’s really fucking annoying. I’d love to go through a week without hearing about that guy.”

Ah, there it is.

This seems to gets at the heart of the real reason for the perturbation of the good people at PETA. And, Lord knows that if anyone can relate, it’s me. That said, it sort of seems like a waste of PETA resources to be protesting the guy for the non-harmful-to-animals things he does, annoying though they may be, when there are so many other legitimate reasons for which to go after him—reasons that fit into the PETA mission statement. Go after him for killing a turkey as part of a practical joke. Go after him for hunting deer for sport. Because if you’re PETA, that’s what makes sense.

Now, PETA, I get that you’re agitated about the other stuff. But leave the criticism of the misspelling of the name and the unretiring to me. I assure you; I’m on it. In the mean time, can we get some kind of adorable picture of Alicia Silverstone posing with wild turkeys that we can start e-mailing around our offices under the headline: “Brett Fav-ruh is a heartless murderer?” Stat.

In other animal-related news, two of our hamster friends have passed away this week. Hamsters that did not reside with me, but were near and dear to my heart, nonetheless. Felix and Jolene, both born July 28, 2006. They are survived by brother Fitzy; nephews Cyrus and Auggie; nieces Mackenzie and Rose of Sharon; great nephews, Cristobal, Alonzo, and Max; great niece, Su Lin; and guardians Christina and Jane. Felix, who was an escape artist extraordinaire, will be remembered for his gentle spirit and large head. Jolene, who spent the latter part of her life with the use of only three legs, will be remembered for her strength of spirit and will to fight. They will be missed.

1 comment:

koala said...

Do you really keep such meticulous track of your hamster's family trees? You'd better keep a close watch on all them rodentia, cause Farve may be closer than you think....