Melanie You Suck

Bear with me. I am about to try to apply logic to nonsense. But it's what I do best.

I am going to share with you a few comments that recently turned up on my site. This first one's by an anonymous poster:

"Sounds like someone is just jealous cause you could probably never pull off a name like coco. why don't you focus more on how he plays baseball, he's an awesome defensive player and his batting average just keeps getting better I'd choose the name coco over something stupid and unoriginal as Melanie."

The first sentence of this comment is fundamentally flawed. The implication is that Coco actually is pulling off the name Coco. He is not. That's not to say that I think I could. But it isn't a particularly hard pill for me to swallow. I mean, nothing against Coco Crisp, but, as already established a million times on this site, that name sucks.

Now, it is possible that my name is stupider and less unoriginal than I had ever realized. I am willing to own that. (Though, actually, I'm just saying that, but I am disinclined to believe it. I have a great name.) However, despite the possibility that my name may be stupid and unoriginal, the assertion that you would rather be named Coco than Melanie? Unless you are a toy poodle, Ice T.'s wife, starting a perfume line, or an exotic dancer, that is actually the incorrect answer. Thanks for playing.

This next one is by someone named Amber:

"I read that, but just because of his name you feel that he sucks? that's stupid, why don't you judge players on their ability not there name, if you want me to actually believe he really sucks then you'd better give me a reason other than because it's fun to say he sucks."

Amber, you seem to be laboring under a misapprehension with this one -- that I care whether or not you believe anything I say. I assure you, I don't.

However, it is not for you to tell me the criteria that I should or should not be using to determine suckiness. I actually think it's pretty limited and narrow-minded that your sole conception of sucking is based on a player's stats. That may be, perhaps, how one can determine whether or not a player sucks at baseball. But I look at every aspect of the player when assessing suckiness. And there are lots of ways to suck that are unrelated to a player's ability. For example, you apparently think I suck, and I don't even play baseball.

If you want to decide who does and doesn't suck on the basis of statistics, feel free. But don't box me into your prison. And, by the way, not to pick apart your reading comprehension skills, but I am pretty sure that I made a point of saying that Coco is not actually, by any definition of sucky, the suckiest Red Sock. It's like you said, I just happen to enjoy yelling, "You Suck Coco Crisp."

This brings us to our next quote, also by Amber.

"Personally i think it's a lot more fun to yell Melanie YOU SUCK! How's that?"

If that were true, I would say knock yourself out. Far be it for me to deprive you of one of life's greatest joys. And I am secure enough in the knowledge that I don't suck to handle it. Problem is I think that Amber's a dirty liar. (I am giving her the benefit of the doubt because, if she is not lying, she is just too dumb to know what's fun and what isn't.) The problem with my name is that, while it may be stupid and unoriginal, it isn't funny. I mean, Melanie? It just isn't. And by the way, Amber, no matter what you yell, it's funnier if you put the name on the end. So, I suggest that if you are going to try it, say, "You suck, Melanie."

Meh. Still not that funny.

Just to review, while I may occasionally include statistics in my postings, this site is not about statistical analysis. I never claimed it was. It's a forum for me to discuss what interests and amuses me in the world of sports. It's a place for me to tell Coco Crisp that he sucks. Just because I want to. What's great about the internet is that you don't have to like me or agree with me. You can find another site. Or start your own site about how you don't like me or agree with me. Or, if you prefer, stick around and tell me you don't like or agree with me. That's fine, too. Bring your friends. I like being insulted. Partly because I'm a masochist, and partly because I don't value what you say and think it's funny. However, don't expect a posting dedicated to your ranting every time. Once was fun, but it is the postseason.

Speaking of which, so far, other than the Dodgers-Cubs series, nothing has panned out quite how I had wanted. I am especially disappointed about the ChiSox, but I am keeping hope alive. Boston, of course, won the first game, but because this is my site, I am still allowed to say they suck if I want. So consider it said. As for Coco Crisp, he didn't take part in last night's win against the Angels. Wonder why? Could it be because -- this one's for you, Amber -- You Suck Coco Crisp.